My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota