Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
For the orator and chef in all of us
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows