It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.