[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
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[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.