Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
You Might Also Like
(2022)
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.