I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit