This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang