A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn鈥檛 tell them…馃ぃ
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can鈥檛 you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they鈥檒l melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
me: my girlfriend鈥檚 a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-m芒ch茅
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could鈥ould you get it down?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
HR: We鈥檝e noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That鈥檚 odd
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don鈥檛 own a tennis racket ….
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we鈥檙e not having spaghetti tonight?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”