What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
You Might Also Like
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
favorite tropes as memes
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.