People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
You Might Also Like
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I missed you with all my darts
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?