I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
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You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.