{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
What is going on? 😅
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.