just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You Might Also Like
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
March 16
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.