NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
fr
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head