Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Rather alarming headline…
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.