wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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7
8
9
10
11
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90Me: Nailed it.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
sigh
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.