Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.