Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
You Might Also Like
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!