JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.