I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Yup
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
WHY?!
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
🤣😂
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”