I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer