I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.