I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
You Might Also Like
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car