“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me when someone tries to get to know me
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.