I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
the icebreaker
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
some Old Testament wisdom
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?