A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀