Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
#Caturday
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?