[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
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Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
🙄😏😂🤣
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I want what they have
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.