Oh we’ve met.
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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.