I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.