Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.