I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.