ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
You Might Also Like
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.