When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
any last words?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.