DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You Might Also Like
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.