God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
She: I like Cats
He:
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.