“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Banana is the quietest snack
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.