If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.