Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My time has come.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
When I said I liked it rough.