“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: