[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
You Might Also Like
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.