Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order