Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Unimpressed
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?