suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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This forever.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.