My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
motivation
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…