My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses