What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses