[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Friends that check up on you >
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture