Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
#Caturday
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk