“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
respect
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times